athazagora--phobia

can you hear them; can you hear them screaming right through you? the phantoms of your words and thoughts and actions. they scream with my voice in riddles and low occupancy so that you can scream over them and hear every word you say with mine vaguely behind a lie. be the veil over my poetry and i'll be the meaning behind everything you say. i sware i'll never disappear. i sware i'll never go away.

i can't write anymore; you're ripping the words right out of me.

dear stranger, i want you to know everything about me but my name and number. i don't want to meet you again; i don't want you to find me again. dreams chase me to edges; nightmares chase me to corners; i take them both to heart. i wish we'd all burn out as fast as a ciggarette. i wish this world were a little more crowded, so nobody would miss anybody anymore; you would always be a stranger. i wish we'd run out of ground to be buried under, because when they throw me down, they'll forget. i wish everyone we're just like you; a stranger. simple mindedness. we're still strangers. never will we ever meet again, you can't know my name, stra

dear dreams, come out of my brain and display yourselves before my eyes. let me fly, let me be, take me to the places you imagine me to exist in.  let me live in you, or don't be such a tease. thank you, emily insignificant rennie.

dear little brother, i never write about you, i bet you expected me to write to elizabeth, but i didn't.  i won't be who you expect me to be. i wanted you to know that i'll be the one who looks after you, until you get a little taller than me, and at that time, watch out for me.  you're the only brother i have, and if i lost you, i'd be nothing.  we hardly fight, and laugh about everything.  i'm proud of who you turned out to be. all my heart, emily insignificant rennie. ps. i'm sorry for the times i left you alone with dad.

dear mum and pop, i know you mean well in everything you do.  i understand why you do what you do and say.  i know i think i know everything.  but i wish you knew who i was.  i wish you could be proud of me.  i wish our family wasn't so broken and shriveled like wet things you step on. that's all i have to say to the both of you. best of luck, emily insignificant rennie.

dear crush, i hate who you are. everything i want.  everything i need.  just a step away. i hate how you feel and i hate that i can't concur with you because i do. it's not the feeling in my stomach or the feeling in my brain, in my heart, it's that more than anything, i want to take care of you, and i want you to fall asleep with me with you. i hate how much i hurt, to the point that it's killing me inside and out. i hate who you are, because i can't have you. not like you'll ever know, emily insignificant rennie.

dear you little biderdeedering polac, you're the closest friend i've ever had.  i haven't even known you that long, but you know me better than anyone ever has because you listen.  you don't just hear what i say, you hear what i don't.  flesh and bone, head to toe, you have by far taken the best care of me.  please don't ever go away. if i were an honest man, i'd tell you that you're the one i could spend the rest of my life with without trouble, fight, nothing.  but i roll straight on ahead, taking boys and boys and boys, and now i have three hearts, and my body can only hold two.  but i know you'll be right there to help me right along.

i want to sleep for the rest of my life. i want to dream of what i have and what i can't have at all until i can't breathe anymore and my sick hands turn white and call me corpse.  i will not call; i will not talk; my brain can't put my mouth to use.  this feeling in my stomach, the one that makes me feel as if everything in me will crawl out through my ears, will keep my heart in check.  i'd rather die. take my heart, at least my veins; i'm not sure which one you are.  just take the one you want to be; either will bleed for you, live for you.  and if i died right now, i could say i wish i had a better life, because i can't make up my heart